photo b9f7327c-37d1-4207-82b0-77196b19a9a2_zps75b1c764.jpg
25 years old. Ex-ex-pat. Wandering Californian. Pseudo historian. Grad student. Queer. Beer enthusiast. Anglophile. Theoretical time traveler. Part time librarian. Full time loser. The usual.

 

  • I have a standing invitation to JSTOR headquarters if I’m ever in New York. Library school, ftw!
  • My Aunt sent me a pack of Doctor Who novelty socks and a “fuzzy blanket to pet when you miss Samson”.

Playing Scattergories (aka “The Game is Over When We All Hate Each Other and Don’t Want to Play Any more”) with my family

School subjects beginning with ‘S’

  • Aunt: Sociology.
  • Dad: Spanish.
  • Mom: Social studies.
  • Cousin: Science.
  • Em: Spelling.
  • Uncle: Spear fishing

Words associated with exercise beginning with ‘G’

  • Em: Good for you. 
  • Aunt: Gym.
  • Mom: I have “good butt”!

Household chores beginning with ‘G’

  • Aunt: Garbage day.
  • Dad: Gardening.
  • Uncle: Grinding coconuts.
  • Em: IS THAT TO GO WITH YOUR SPEAR FISHING OR WHAT.

Then my cousin, when faced with the challenge of “body parts beginning with ‘I’” comes up with inner labia which was ruled acceptable because my mother had previously played scrotum for “things which bounce beginning with “S”.

Things. Which. Bounce.

Cousin: Have you ever seen Mean Girls?

Em: Dude.

Cousin: Oh, yeah, I forgot. You're from Tumblr.

Em: I'm from the 1980s! I saw Mean Girls in the movie theater!

Cousin: Whoa.

Happy Thanksgiving

That awkward moment when my aunt’s best friend’s gay brother remarks on how great it is that a straight girl works for the gay yellow pages and asks if I’m texting my boyfriends after dinner. Passing problems.

Then he said I look like “what would happen if Blaine and Kurt from glee had a baby” and damn me, that might be the best compliment I’ve ever gotten.

So, theoretically…

If I just told my 14 year old cousin that I will buy him condoms should he ever need them and be somehow unable to get them, would that win me the Best Cousin Ever or the Worst Cousin Ever award? 

Theoretically. 

For science. 

My 14 year old cousin just told me he refers to me among his friends as “my cousin Emily, the one person who I am related to that I can relate to”.


This was the day my heart grew three sizes.

Wow family I came out to you guys nearly six years ago and you have either forgotten or you never took me seriously in the first place wow that’s awesome remember that nearly three year relationship I was in? Obviously guess not because you never really accepted her or maybe you thought it was a phase that one’s my favourite.

Me: Did you see anybody you knew at the reunion?

Mom: Yeah, one of my friends from freshman year, Terri. We got arrested for shoplifting. We stole some pretty awesome stuff, like this one Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young album.

Me: How....how did you even get that out of the store?

Mom: We didn't, we got arrested!

6 years after she died and I still maintain that my paternal Grandmother was not only the kindest, gentlest, most loving and wisest person around who made the greatest strawberry rhubarb cobbler and played the most beautiful songs on the piano, but was also the best looking person to have directly contributed to my genes.
Grandmother, I think of you whenever I think of childhood summers and the Rocky Mountains, or whenever I see rows of pansies or whenever I hear Pachelbel’s Canon. I think of you every Christmastime, making your shortbread (I gave the recipe to some Germans - I hope you don’t mind, they’re practically family and you would’ve liked them). You look good. And I look nothing like you. But mostly, I miss you.

6 years after she died and I still maintain that my paternal Grandmother was not only the kindest, gentlest, most loving and wisest person around who made the greatest strawberry rhubarb cobbler and played the most beautiful songs on the piano, but was also the best looking person to have directly contributed to my genes.

Grandmother, I think of you whenever I think of childhood summers and the Rocky Mountains, or whenever I see rows of pansies or whenever I hear Pachelbel’s Canon. I think of you every Christmastime, making your shortbread (I gave the recipe to some Germans - I hope you don’t mind, they’re practically family and you would’ve liked them). You look good. And I look nothing like you. But mostly, I miss you.